43. Coffee Table Books

My Aunt Idette recently posted the following on my Facebook wall:

I am absolutely LOVING the blog, E. You should try to get it published. I’d buy it.”

I told her that I appreciated the sentiment, and would accept any contributions she wished to make toward the fulfillment of my rectangular dreams. After all, checks, bills and credit cards are all rectangles.

:dolladollabillz - the quintessential rectangles:

:dolladollabillz - the quintessential rectangle?:

Later I mentioned the idea to my friend Aaron. He was all for “Things That Are Rectangles” : The Coffee Table Book. Of course, he said, the first entry would have to be “This Book.” And then the second would have to be “This Table.”

:round coffee tables wouldn't be allowed:

:round coffee tables wouldn't be allowed:

Then we started talking marketability. After all, no one buys a coffeetable book for themselves. So we’d have to start catering to special holiday or lifetime experiences – in rectangular format.

For the Bar/Bat Mitzvah set, I could address “The Tallis” as a rectangle.

:fringy, but rectangles nonetheless:

:fringy, but rectangular nonetheless:

For weddings? Maybe a special addressing of the “Photo Memory,” complete with a plastic sleeve for newlyweds to customize the page into their own Rectangular memory-slot.

:here's hoping these two are still together:

:here's hoping these two are still together:

Divorces could be “The Papers You Were Served.” Catholic religious experiences could be “The Confessional.” Graduation? “The Books You Hit,” or just “Tests.” How about Christmas? The formation that the reindeer hold? Or perhaps the chimney, Santa’s entry-way of choice.

:perfect quadrilateral, guys:

:perfect quadrilateral, guys:

:looks like a tight squeeze, santy:

:looks like a tight squeeze, santy:

See, now that all of these ideas are on the (figurative) table, the proposition starts to sound pretty sweet. But I shouldn’t go down this path completely ignorant of my competition. Let’s look at some successful Coffee Table Rectangles:

:this one looks fascinating:

:this one looks fascinating:

:hmmm...celeb journeys through far off places:

:hmmm...celeb journeys to far off places:

:music and a glimpse into an exotic culture:

:music and a glimpse into an exotic culture:

:and cool views of nature:

:sweet aerial views of nature:

Well. There is quite the variety out there, huh?

This is all very confusing. Luckily Aaron is some sort of consultant on the feasibility of ideas or something like that. I’ve never been clear on the details. But at least I know, should I decide to develop a Coffee Table Rectangle of my own, I’ll get reliable calculations and solid advice.

Once again, contributions are always welcome.

:remember, checks are still rectangles! and i'd even settle for less than $2700:

:and i'd even settle for less than $2700:

October 17, 2009. Art, Books, Culture, Rectangles.


  1. Daniel replied:

    Did you know that the dollar bill is a perfect 6-inch measuring tape? So, like, if you need to measure sumthin, it’s got yo back.

    I just thought that was fun.

  2. Eliza H. replied:


    The Canada book was just for you. FYI.

    • Daniel replied:

      awwwwwwww baby you know how to make a bitch feel special.

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