45. Rashes

:if you got a rash, check out this shiiiiit:

:if you got a rash, check out some hydrocortisone:

Oh, the rash. What a fascinating word. It can either be exciting (Don’t do anything rash!) or really, really unfortunate (Oh…she has a rash?). The second meaning of this word is something that I am all too familiar with.

As a child, I used to love rolling around naked in anything I could find. Once, while washing the family car, I covered myself in car soap. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but then I broke out in hives. I had to take Benadryl and was not allowed to swim in the pool for a whole weekend.

:after "the incident

:after "the incident" i was only ever allowed to touch ivory or dial:

Then it was Fifth’s Disease, in seventh grade. I discovered that my face was blotchy and itchy while at a Bat-Mitzvah. This rash covered my entire body and did not respond to oatmeal baths. I missed a week of school. It was terrible. And also untreatable – I just had to wait it out. Worst and itchiest week ever.

The next rash was ringworm, acquired from the high school wrestling mats. I must have gotten it five or six times in 9th grade – on my forehead, on my arms, on my legs – everywhere. Ok, almost everywhere. In order to make it go away, I had to put on Lotrimin – an anti-fungal cream. Seriously. How gross is that? I started wearing only long sleeves and UnderArmour tights to practice.

I get heat rash in the sun. It’s uncomfortable and requires some aloe.

:muthafuckaz, the sun ain't no joke:

:hey, the sun ain't no joke, bitches:

Then, finally, I discovered in college that the dry winter weather gave me eczema. Luckily, eczema is just a fancy word for “really dry skin,” so moisturizing and (in severe cases) hydrocortisone clear it right up.

None of these rashes were rectangular. In fact, most were fairly circular, which is a bit of a disappointment. So I’d like to focus on some rectangular rashes today – for your enjoyment.

Some types of eczema can be rectangular. Look at this nice diagram of a baby with the rash represented in rectangular form:

:baby got some 'atopic dermatitis':

:baby got some 'atopic dermatitis':

Here is a very special rash that has a long, long scientific name.

:fluoroscopy-induced chronic radiation dermatitis:

:fluoroscopy-induced chronic radiation dermatitis:

You can check out a whole article on it here. It seems like a really shitty rectangular situation.

Finally, and best of all, Shingles! Shingles is most always rectangular (a rash after my own heart!).

:shingles - no, silly, not the roofing kind!:

:shingles - no, silly, not the roofing kind!:

It appears in a band or a strip on one side of the body. It is Chicken Pox’s revenge – Shingles, CP’s brother (or sister) lies dormant in the system after a bout of chicken pox and comes to life in a weak immune system. In other words, Shingles often hits up people such as the elderly, the stressed out, and those with AIDS or HIV. Awesome! Also, it’s not curable, since it’s a virus – so just wait it out, folks-with-shingles.

Try to avoid that shit, muthafuckaz. And if you can’t, take a picture.

October 23, 2009. Rectangles, Science.

3 Comments

  1. 45. Rashes | Rashes replied:

    […] Read this article: 45. Rashes […]

  2. Jack Ass replied:

    FUCK YOU MUTHA FUCKA, ASSHOLE.

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