118. Craigslist “Missed Connections”

I’m sure that most of my dear readers are familiar with the rectangular phenomenon known as “Craigslist.” It’s a site full of classifieds, stuff for sale, advertisements for jobs, and community bulletin boards.

Last week, I bought a vacuum cleaner from some man in Woodley Park. He asked me if I wanted to vacuum his living room to try it out. I politely refused. I also bought some enamel dishes from a lovely woman in Dupont Circle. She was the manager of her building, and told me about all of the people who came to her with problems that week. I love getting the cheap stuff, but I really love getting these snapshots into other people’s lives.

Anyway, Craigslist isn’t all vacuum cleaners and dinner plates. In fact, the best part of Craigslist is the “personals” section. There’s a part of the “personals” section called “missed connections,” in which people post ads about people they met or made eye contact with or drove by on the street, and hope that those people fall in love/sleep with them.

Here are a few prime examples, just from today’s Washington, DC Craigslist missed connections section.

You get the (rectangular) idea.

I read them every day, partially because I think they’re entertaining, and partially because I secretly hope that someone posted one about me. It happened once: a cab driver hollered at me. It was my proudest day.

In the spirit of true investigative journalism, I decided to post my own “missed connections” ad. After all, I owe my readers the whole story, and I can’t pretend that I have it all just because I’ve been the subject of a missed connection. I need to feel what it’s like to post one, myself.

So, dear readers, here we go.

One time, I gave a cute guy a cigarette on my way out of Target. Afterward, I kind of wished I had talked to him. I figured he could be my inspiration for this ad. I tried to take some guiding light from all of the missed connections I’ve read in my day for the phraseology, and – voila! Here is what I came up with.


Phew! Part one out of the way.

My next task was to wait for the responses. Annnndddd, within literally three minutes, I received this response:

Well. Interesting. Doesn’t seem like you actually read my ad, mate, but I appreciate the email! And maybe you can take an English class or two.

NEXT.

August 28, 2012. Culture, Rectangles, Science, Websites. 1 comment.

117. My Milk Toof

Ermahgerd.
I thought I was about to do an update post. Then I searched for “My Milk Toof” in my blog, and I never even did an original post about it! What!?? I’ve been linking to this blog forever, but I never actually posted about it?  How is that even possible? I think it’s pretty much the most brilliant thing ever.

My Milk Toof is a blog (to view in your rectangular browser) that chronicles the adventures of two (rectangular) teeth named Ickle and Lardee. Primarily, through (rectangular) photos, but there are also some captions involved.

I don’t even know how to put into words how awesome it is, so I’ll just feature a strip here:

Bear Hunt

“We might need a bigger box, Lardee…”

And another one:

Things For Carrot #5

“For your bowl, we brought you some cool wallpapers to spice things up.”

“This one is majestic.”

“Now you’re in space!”

“Not that one, Lardee…”

I love it! It’s just so bizarre, and also cute, and also creative. I love the costumes. I love the creative stories. I love her attention to detail. Their little mouths are different in different strips, depending on whether they’re talking or not. They turn to face each other. They climb trees and set up traps and I JUST LOVE THEM.

Anyway. The author is artist Inhae Renee Lee. Here’s her explanation for the teef:

“When I was young, I placed my baby teeth under my pillow and when i woke up I’d find a shiny new quarter. But whatever happened to those little teeth? Where did they go? Would I ever see them again?

Many years later, a little tooth was standing at my door. It looked familiar. Its name was ickle. Welcome home, my milk toof!”

Swoon. Spend the day reading through the archives – it’s worth it!

August 28, 2012. Art, Culture, Rectangles, Websites. Leave a comment.

116. Warby Parker

Every now and then, we all get sick of our frames. I mean, we wear them every day for years – how can we not want to mix it up occasionally? I had had my previous frames for almost two years, and they had been chewed and broken countless times by the God Damn Dog (GDD). I couldn’t stand to see them on my face anymore.

So I went to a website recommended to me by countless friends – Warby Parker. They offer a wide selection of funky, vintagey (rectangular) frames, some of which I like as much as any Paul Smith or Oliver Peoples option. I was looking for something not that different from my old frames (which were Paul Smith) – just with slightly thicker plastic and a slightly bigger lens. More of a statement frame, in other words. I picked out five frames for a free Home Try-On, and received them in the mail within a few days. I tried them all on, and picked my fave – the Webb, in Amber, which looks seriously perfect on my face.

Nice cat-eye detail, pretty color, slightly rounded frame. Perfect!

While the variety of sweet frames and the free Home Try-On service are two awesome features, the best part about Warby Parker is the price. I got new frames and prescription lenses, all for $95. $95!!!! That’s like getting new glasses for free.

Anyway, it was a happy ending all around – for my psyche, my face, my eyes, and my wallet.

Caloo, calay!

This morning, I had a lovely chat-over-coffee with my dear friend Torie Partridge, of Cherry Blossom Creative (Side note: If you’re looking for a design or art project to be done, contact Torie immediately. She is incredibly talented and professional). She complimented me on my new frames, and mentioned that she was in the market for a new pair. She wanted something a little bigger than what she had (the Wiloughby), but still rectangular and wide enough for her face. Here are what we picked for her Home Try-On:

The Preston:

A subtle rectangle, with a bigger lens.

The Pierce:

Rectangular to the extreme!!!

 

The Beckett:

More rectangular, thicker plastic frame.

 

The Colton:

Just a bit rounder. Also, more angled. Also, less articulated cat eye.

 

And, the Miles:

Roundest, most angled option – plus fancy studs on the cat-eye!

 

So, dear readers – let us pray that Miss Torie finds the glasses of her dreams!

Also, pray that I’m able to save up 150 bucks for my dream sunglasses, the Mabel in Gimlet Tortoise.

Aren’t they dreamy?

Donations accepted.

 

August 28, 2012. Beauty, Fashion, Rectangles, Truth, Websites. Leave a comment.

115. Dog-Shaming Signs

This site made me laugh out loud.

Here are some highlights:

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Oh, de puppehs.

August 27, 2012. Animals, Rectangles, Websites. 1 comment.

114. Essie Nail Polish

It’s hard to find a brand of nail polish that has both pretty colors and doesn’t chip easily. I’ve found that in Essie.

The perfect red. The perfect neutral. The perfect, fun, seasonal colors. Essie has them all. Let me feature some here.

1. The Perfect Nude – “Ballet Slippers”

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According to Essie, this is an “award winning, classic pale pink with a sheer finish.”

Any classy lady knows that a nude nail makes her hands look polished and clean, like she’s never done a dish in her life. Since I aspire to that level of lady-hood, I went on the search for the perfect nude color. Ballet Slippers is appropriately opaque, providing good coverage, and it is pale enough to not be far off from my lily-white redhead complexion. It’s less harsh than white, and less boring than beige.

2. The Perfect Red – “Apertif”

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“An appetizing creamy red.”

I can only spend so much time sitting calmly at my grandparents’ dinner table, after the pastrami is gone. One time, I decided that I wanted to paint my nails while the grown-ups talked about serious things. Grandma Phyl offered me a selection of colors to choose from, insisting that she “didn’t use any of them” and I could keep them for good. I picked a bright, vibrant red. Lo and behold, it was the perfect shade for my skin tone! Bright, rich, and saturated, this color is my dream red. It’s also blue-based, which means it’s not too orangey for my delicate complexion. Oh, Essie, you’ve done it again!

3. The Perfect Trendy Grey – “Chinchilly”

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“A sleek granite gray.”

About two years ago, I decided that I needed some grey nail polish. It just seemed really important at the time. But grey nail polish, friends, is a matter of utmost subtlety. Chinchilly is not too dark, so it won’t be confused with black. It’s sort of a browny-grey hybrid, with emphasis on the “grey.”

4. The Perfect Boundary-Pushing Lavender – “Play Date”

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“A flirtatious soft purple.”

Everyone needs a few bright, happy colors in their nail polish collection. This summer, I was really feeling lavender. It turned out to be a bit more of a search than I had expected – many lavenders were sheer, or had sparkles in them (ugh, so gaudy). Then I found Play Date at the CVS – miracle of miracles! It’s perfect. I’m wearing it right now, in fact.

5. An Impulse Buy – “Navigate Her.”

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“A light, bright green.”

This is my one Essie polish that I’m not so thrilled with. I was intrigued by the spring green color as soon as it came out in Essie’s Spring 2012 collection, but it turned out to be somewhat washed out and boring. It seemed so tempting on the shelf! But it just doesn’t look that great on me. Oh well. Can’t win ’em all.

I’m still on the lookout for a turquoisey pool blue. I have one by China Glaze, called For Audrey, that is the perfect color, but it just chips off so immediately. Any advice would be strongly appreciated.

August 27, 2012. Beauty, Fashion, Rectangles. 2 comments.

113. Shoeboxes

The best shoe store in America is called Tani. It’s on E. 72nd street, in Manhattan.

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The most magical room in America is their sale room.

I bought a gorgeous pair of Kork-Ease sandals there for $30. That’s about 1/4 of the retail price.

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Aren’t they beautiful?

Unfortunately, I walk so heavily on my heels that the cork got all misshapen within two months of my owning them. So, I moved onto Summer Shoe Option #2.

Bensimons.

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Just the most simple and gorgeous.

I first discovered these fantastically French tennis sneakers when I was 17. I spent a summer au pairing in Brittany, where I first tried oysters, champagne, and, yes, French shoes. Although they’re just flimsy constructions of cotton and rubber, they are somehow incredibly comfortable, incredibly graceful, and incredibly flattering to my skinny ankles. Despite the lack of arch support, I can walk around in them all day. Only the French could pull it off.

Until recently, these shoes were impossible to find in America. I suffered for years without a pair of Bensimons. And then I found them at Tani! What a magical place. And they were on sale.

Finally, my most fabulous purchase there was a pair of purple heels by Coclico.

From vampshoeshop.wordpress.com

Ok, so they’re wildly impractical and uncomfortable, but they are perhaps the most fabulous thing I own. I might murder Buckley in cold blood if he ate them.

I’m not even focusing on the unbelievable black leather Gorilla motorcycle boots I got there last year, or the red flannel Creative Recs I found several years ago. Or the mustard Mariana ankle-strap heels. But a lady always leaves some things to the imagination.

August 27, 2012. Beauty, Rectangles, Religion, Truth. 2 comments.

The Triumphant Return of Things That Are Rectangles!

Friends, countrymen, and rectangles:

I couldn’t sleep last night, and, for some reason, rectangles were running through my head. I looked through some old posts, and remembered how goddamn brilliant this blog was.

So, add me back to your Google reader!

The rectangles have returned.

Drinking champagne at 11:30 AM to celebrate.

August 27, 2012. Beauty, Culture, History, Rectangles, Truth, Websites. Leave a comment.