125. Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Ok, so I’m a little late jumping on this wagon. But I have a good reason: while Buffy was on, I was only allowed to watch educational television. Perhaps that’s where my love for rectangles came from – Sesame Street emphasizes shapes pretty hardcore.

Little did my parents know, Buffy the Vampire Slayer is now giving me an education in awesome that PBS could never even come close to. Yeah, sure, Wishbone was cool, but did he stab vampires through the heart and turn them into dust? I THINK NOT.

I heart young Sarah Michelle Gellar.

Buffy, for those out-of-touch readers who don’t know, is about a high school girl who happens to be a Slayer – that is, one born to every generation whose job it is to keep the “forces of evil” in check. Unfortunately, she just wants to be a normal girl. No such luck. Buffy gets kicked out of school after school, as she burns down gymnasiums and skips classes to deal with vamps. At the beginning of the show, Buffy has just enrolled at Sunnydale High, where she hopes for a normal life. However, vampires show up in Sunnydale, and Buffy has to team up with her nerdy friends Willow and Xander, plus librarian Mr. Giles, to fight them.

All vampires have these sweet Khan faces.

Anyway, turns out Sunnydale is a hotbed of “vampires, demons, and forces of evil,” so Buffy is busy punching vampires in the face and the like. It’s pretty sweet. Pretty. Damn. Sweet.
Lots of good fight scenes. Lots of good evil-looking villains. Plus the usual high school drama of being popular and interacting with boys. It’s seriously a kick-ass show that I would recommend to anyone.

September 15, 2012. Culture, Rectangles, Truth. Leave a comment.

124. My Guilty Pleasures, Part Two

I know you all have been awaiting this post with bated breath.

I can see it now. You sit at home, obsessively refreshing TTAR in your browser. “What is her second guilty pleasure website?” you ask yourself, as you systematically pluck out your eyebrows.

Well, friends, your wait has not been in vain. Now, it is revealed:

Regretsy mostly highlights ridiculous items for sale on Etsy – allegedly, the internet’s handmade marketplace.

On the surface, it doesn’t sound that interesting.

“So what,” you think. “How interesting can Etsy be?”

Eat your words, dear reader. Etsy can be fucking ridic.

Par Example:

I should also mention that April, the curator, is fucking funny. Like, her writing actually makes me laugh out loud sometimes. Below is her response to the above photo (also, I should add, the green highlighted emphasis is her own).

Well, now you’re talking – a couple of rocks with string on them! You can add them to your collection, provided you collect rocks with string on them. And how cool is it that the colors change depending on the light? Not too many things you can say that about!

The question is, do you want her to trim the twine or not? That’s a toughie. I mean, what if it’s too short? Then what? You can’t uncut the twine. But then again, if it’s too long it might get caught in your nose ring. Oh well! I guess that’s why she’s on the front page, and you’re just slowly drinking yourself to death.

Whatever you choose, remember that twine-covered rocks are a calming element. Just thinking about the fact that someone got on the front page with this horse shit should put you in the fetal position.

DO NOT TAKE THE ROCK OUTSIDE

If you don’t get it, I can’t explain it to you. But I think it is subtle and brilliant and just plain funny.

Ok, indulge me here. One more.

She made up a term called “noncycling,” which makes fun of the trend to “upcycle” old clothes or items into a new, beautiful thing.

In her words:

non·cy·cle [non-sahy-kuhl]

1. To take a piece of garbage and turn it into a different piece of garbage

2. To take an object that still has some useful purpose and turn it into a piece of garbage

“Mary stopped Jim from discarding the expired air-fresheners so she could noncycle them into an instant collection.”

 

Here are too many noncycles, gleaned from a few posts:

Seriously. SERIOUSLY. This shit is for real. April is brilliant. Etsy is INSANE. I actually cannot believe what she finds on there. But I love it. So much.

You’re welcome. Enjoy.

September 13, 2012. Art, Beauty, Culture, Rectangles, Truth, Websites. Leave a comment.

123. My Guilty Pleasures, Part One

Ok, I have many guilty pleasures, and a lot of them I’ve already addressed here. Shoes, butter, fancy designer scarves. But these are my guilty pleasure websites. Which, we’ve already established, are inherently rectangular. Yes, I have them bookmarked. No, I don’t share that with everyone. Although, I guess, now I do?

I’ve already mentioned the Craigslist personals, so I don’t need to go into more detail on those, but there are two more sites that I frequently waste (?) time on.

One is Cute Overload.

Their title: “Oh, just plant yourself anywhere.”

I am fairly obsessed with cute animals. I always stop dog owners on the street to pet their pups and stay awkwardly long. I just lurve de puppehs. But Cute Overload expands my animalove to other creatures!

They have a list of Rules of Cuteness , including #14: If an everyday, small item makes you look small, it’s cute, and #10: If you haven’t grown into your feet yet, it’s cute. They are just so right on.

And I have a soft spot for the silly cute language they’ve made up. Puppehs, snorgling, leetle nosicles…all these terms make me laugh every time I read them, even though they’re definitely stupid. But funny. But stupid.

Their title: “Knobbular enough there for ya?”

Also, I’m a big fan of the category “Interspecies Snorgling.” For some reasons, two different animal friends together makes me melt. Here are way too many examples, because I couldn’t pick just one.

Kitteh-fawn. I have a soft spot for deer. Partially because I think Buckley kind of looks like one.

Oh hai.

Typical cat and dog snorgling. Except with a fox, too.

Obvy this one wins.

The only thing I’m not with C.O. on are the hamsters. They just love the hammies. I just can’t get on the same page about those nasty rodents.

I’m sorry. I just don’t think it’s cute.

Anyway, if you’re bored or need some cuteness to cheer you up, I highly recommend a visit to Cute Overload.

September 12, 2012. Animals, Culture, Rectangles, Websites. Leave a comment.

122. Pencil vs. Camera

Artist Ben Heine created these modern trompe l’oeuil pieces. What a fabulous idea.

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I love the whimsy of the pencil drawings. They are appropriately realistic, but not so precise as to pretend to be an extension of the photographic medium. Many of them are silly sketches superimposed upon the photo. Others are just reinterpretations of what the photograph could have been.

Below are some of my favorites. I tend to prefer the pieces that aren’t necessarily trying to be funny, but instead putting something into the photo that wasn’t already there.

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Maybe my favorite.

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Woo!

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Another cute one.

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Maybe the only silly one I really like.

Nicely done, Ben. Very creative, and I’m a fan.

 

September 12, 2012. Art, Rectangles, Websites. 3 comments.

121. $5.25 Farmer’s Market Bacon

My day had a very disappointing start.

Yesterday, I went to my friendly Petworth farmers’ market. I bought some pickling cucumbers, because I’m trying to perfect the New York Deli full-sour pickle. I bought some really delish apples and pears. I bought farm-fresh, allegedly cruelty-free eggs (I know, I’m a sucker), and I bought some fancy bacon. Yes, it cost $5.25, but, I figured those pigs were happy before they died, and it would probably be super delicious.

This morning, before I left the house, I thought I’d make myself a gorgeous cholesterol-heavy breakfast. My dear readers may not know that I have, in the past year, discovered a gluten allergy, so I can’t eat toast with my morning meal. Instead, I just make more protein. I scrambled up three eggs and started to fry up some of this fancy-ass bacon.

What I was imagining, minus the garnish. Although that does make it look very nice.

My first concern sprung up when it started to turn grey, instead of brown. However, since I bought the bacon frozen, I thought it might just be a casual, unimportant side effect of the freezing process. Dude, I don’t know science, or any of that shit. It seemed like a possibility. And the meat didn’t smell rotten, or anything.

So, I let the bacon keep cooking. By the time it was done, it seemed pretty normal looking.

And then I bit into the first piece.

It tasted like clay. Seriously. Like, you know how in Ceramics, you’d accidentally get some clay in your mouth? Maybe that didn’t happen to everyone. It definitely happened to me. More than once. Anyway, it legitimately tasted like that. Dry. Crumbly. Grey.

It was gross, in other words. And I was angry. Because, like most normal people, I love me some bacon. And, when I spend almost 6 bucks on my bacon, I expect to have an overwhelmingly positive bacon experience. It was not so, this time.

I’m going to call out the vendors of this meat, J&L Green Farm, because I think people should be accountable for their pork. I’ll let my readers know what comes of it.

September 8, 2012. Food, Rectangles, Truth. Leave a comment.

120. My Kitchen is Perfect.

This website’s tagline is “We find the coolest stuff,” and it’s true. This site has some seriously sweet kitchen must-haves. And by must-haves, I mean, “It’s so awesome and useless. I must have it.”

Let’s start with something rectangular of the Asian persuasion.

Here is a rice cube, along with some of the results of its cubing action.

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Pretty fucking sweet, right? Every time I go out for sushi, I wish it were more rectangular. Well, cubular, if I’m being specific. Finally, here’s a way to achieve that goal. Praise the Lord (of rectangles large and small).

This next product is something I’ve been meaning to feature for a long time. Presenting:

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The Egg Cuber.

Now, we all like hard boiled eggs, right? Ok, I don’t like them that much, but they’re protein-rich and fill me up. The one time I do enjoy a hard boiled egg is in a salad, preferably a Salade Nicoise. That, my friends – that’s yum. Imagine the rectangular Nicoise masterpiece we could make with this cubed egg! I’ll post a sample recipe below.

Salade Rectangulaire, par Eliza Hecht

Ingredients:

Two hard-boiled eggs, cubed and sliced into squares

A small, rectangular tuna steak

Olives, pitted, and with the corners cut off.

Green beans, with pointy ends cut off, leaving little rectangular strips.

Potatoes, cut up into one-inch cubes.

Lettuce, sliced into squares or small strips.

Boil the potatoes. Steam the green beans. Sear the tuna in a cast-iron pan. Boil the eggs. Rectangularize all components. Toss all ingredients in a simple vinaigrette. Serve on a rectangular platter for best effect.

Dude. What a rectangular triumph.

Check out the other cool things on this lovely website. Further rectangular options include this very cool cutting board. I also think that this wine/picnic tray is brilliant.

September 8, 2012. Food, Rectangles, Science, Websites. 1 comment.

119. Vogue’s September Issue

Anyone with a half a toe in the fashion world knows that lovers of style anticipate the September issue of Vogue all year long. It’s usually about a hundred pages long, with unbelievable fashion gracing every page. So far this year, my favorites include these coats from Louis Vuitton, along with their spangled bags:

Jewels and embroidery and brocade, oh my!

And Chanel’s take on their signature quilted crossbody bag – in jewel-toned velvet, which I couldn’t find a picture of online.

And Marc Jacobs always, always kills me. This dress has been my favorite thing since his runway show last May. I love the orange and the blue together, plus those flowers are just fab.

Kill me. Love the lace-up boots, too.

I’ve also made a list of Things I Need:

1. A military style jacket, preferably in navy or army green or charcoal grey. This I’m hoping H&M or Forever 21 can provide me with. Maybe Topshop. Maybe Asos.com. I’d thrift it, or even army-surplus it, but it needs to be well-fitted, and tailoring tends not to be the military’s great strength.

2. Big buttons to put on all of my wide-lapeled coats (praise Jesus, I already have some gorgeous vintage babies! Otherwise, wide-lapeled jackets and coats would be on the list, too). These will require a stop at M&J Trimmings, on 6th avenue in New York. If you have any sort of love for buttons, appliques, and other fabulous, well, trimmings – you will simply die in M&J. Simply. Die.

3. Some full, pleated, knee- or mid-length skirts. I’m loving accordion pleats right now. This isn’t really a change from what I have always wanted and always worn, but it’s nice to have an excuse to buy more. Maybe in jewel tones. I’m feeling some jewel tones. I kind of lurve this one, at American Apparel:

Or this from Asos.com – a fabulous site that I recently discovered.

I do like it in cream.

4. Leather. Ideally, a rich leather pencil skirt. Probably in black. Definitely thrifted, because I need leather in the 9 dollar range, as opposed to the 900. I’d love a well-fitted leather dress, not only because it would look unbelievably fab, but also because it would be so warm. That I’m not sure I’ll manage, but if anyone has any tips – I’ll be forever grateful. Maybe ebay will come through.

5. A leather envelope clutch, or just a flat, zip up clutch. On the large side. Probably this, at American Apparel. Or this guy works, too. In cobalt.

So, so perfect. If only it were a little bigger.

And if only this were an envelope.

6. A navy blue blazer with gold buttons. I used to have a fabulous boys’ one that was perfect, but I grew out of it.

7. Brogues. Wingtip. I trust that Tani can come through for me on that front.

8. A colored fur stole. Anyone who knows me knows that I adore fur. I have a gorgeous fur coat that I wear in the winter – not only is it fabulous, it keeps me so warm! And I’ve always said that the minks would want me to have it.

Lanvin. I’m kind of thinking lavender, though.

9. Embellished everything. There are huge jewels and sequins on everything this season, and I am SO DOWN.

Finally, I intend to blow off whatever I’m doing on September 9th, so I can go into Target early and check out the Shops at Target stuff before it’s all gone.

Fuck, man. If only I had a rich husband to buy me everything I wanted, I would look so damn good.

September 4, 2012. Art, Beauty, Culture, Fashion, Periodicals, Rectangles, Religion. 2 comments.